[Hannah]: Here comes the bride... EVERYBODY RUN!!!

The Urban Caballero, aka the Companionable Atheist, and I are getting married. And I was just musing over the fact that lately, these days, when you tell people you are getting married you feel the urge to add...

BUT I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE BRIDES!

Those brides who think they control the heavens.
Who need a separate "going away outfit".
Who have to talk to their bridesmaids like this:

I'm in a similar prediciment. My ceremony begins at 2pm, yet I know certain relatives (even a couple of my BMs) are habitually late. I've told the BMs that they need to arrive 1/2 hr prior to the ceremony and that I will not wait for them to arrive if they are late. I fully expect one BM to be late. If that's the case, she can sit with the guests if the processional has already started. I disagree with having a 1/2 hr difference on the invite. The guests that arrive on time or early end up waiting the longest. I think it would be odd to list a ceremony time at 1:30pm.

Who consider decorating the wedding venue's restroom a "Don't Miss" detail (This one really made me laugh):

The restroom is an often-overlooked space that, when given a little tender love and care, creates an unexpected wow. It doesn't take much either -- even the slightest bit of decor will perk up and personalize this space.
How to do it Add small bud vases of flowers, give the bathroom new "Ladies" and "Gents" signs, or splurge on some monogrammed towels in your wedding colors. To really impress your guests, scan childhood pictures of the two of you through the years, laminate them, and post them on the bathroom walls.

Who think this belongs on a chatboard under a thread titled "Horror Stories:"

Am I crazy or is this a problem? Both my mother and I agree that her wearing red as mother of the groom is crazy but am I overreacting?

Who fight with their fiances like this:

Did the wedding planning take a toll on your relationship?
Sita: It was six months of planning, with no mother involved. The two of us planned everything. I would have meltdowns and yell at him.
Alex: We fought. My husband would say, “You’re going to drive me insane. You just need to make a decision!” But you stress about every decision. All of a sudden, you can’t make one. At one point we decided to schedule times to talk about the wedding. We said, “You know what? We can’t talk about this all the time!”
Sita: My husband would say, “You’re more than the wedding.” It became my mantra: I’m more than this wedding; this wedding does not define me.

We are trying to figure out how to reconcile a Jewish traditional ceremony with our modern needs, and my rabbi has sent me an article she wrote about getting away from the tradition of Ye Olden Times, in which the wedding was a process done by a man to a passive woman. Which is funny, because today the wedding is a process perpetrated by the woman upon the man - who, as was the case with the woman in olden times, is required to demonstrate his assent to the marriage basically by refraining from running away.

I'll let you know how much of a maniac I become as this year goes on. Ma will keep me honest. In the mean time, everybody practice your bridal simper.