Phyllis only wants presents from the mall.

As heard on the radio, from Saturday's Weekend America. This Phyllis is no relation to Carol Owens!! It's an unfortunate coincidence!

Barbara Bogaev: "Maybe you're making hundreds of little cranberry-nut breads [yes, oddly, I was] ... but our colleague Phyllis Owens says that when she gets a handmade gift as a Christmas present from someone, it's like a lump of coal in her stocking." Phyllis:

When I was little, a neighbor presented me with this big, heavy, overdecorated dress ... because my mother didn't want to hurt this person's feelings I had to wear this monstrosity. In public.

Over the years it's been a parade of stuff I wish I'd never laid eyes on. There were the crocheted mukluk slippers ... there was the calico-covered coat hanger ... Once someone even gave me a giant bottle of homemade spaghetti sauce. Can you say botulism? Spare me! Please!

What makes otherwise reasonable people go into a holiday crafting frenzy? Suddenly everyone wants to find their inner Martha Stewart. I think it's the misplaced notion that handmade or homemade is intrinsically better somehow than store-bought. Trust me, it's not.

... Now I can hear you all talking back to me [yes, actually, I was shouting at the radio] saying [affects a sarcastic singsongy voice] "Oh, what's she talking about? Handmade gifts are so much more personal. Someone took their time, they put their heart into it, it's so much less commercial."

Please! ... Unless you're making a gift from leaves and tree bark - and please DON'T, I am begging you - you're still buying raw materials and tools from somebody, so some commercial entity is getting paid.

So if you're out there right now thinking about getting all creative and crafty, then stop! Put down that glue gun! Please! Noone wants your crafts!

But if you've already made your Christmas knick-knacks and doodads, and are wrapping them up as we speak, don't worry, you're in luck. Some stores are open until midnight Christmas eve.

What a patriotic American sentiment Owens expresses. Go buy her some of that great junk they sell at the mall, so she can get in the return line on December 26 and exchange it for something she really wants. Maybe some of these things.

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