Melina: Watching Television in the New Year is Depressing

I had the day off of work yesterday. I celebrated by spending most of the day watching TV with my roommates. We watched about half of a six hour documentary about some guys climbing Mount Everest. The documentary was stressful and awfully long. We'd go away and come back and there they'd be, still climbing Everest. Usually somebody would be in critical condition in the medical tent, and a wise old climber would be standing over him shaking his head disapprovingly. ("James should never have tried to go up Everest with all those metal screws in his knee.")

Anyway, I wanted to point out that television advertisers have made New Year the most depressing holiday in existence. Judging by the ads they ran yesterday, they think all of us are fat, depressed, indebted, and lonely, and that Jan 1 is the one brief day of the year when we might have the willpower to try to get off the couch and change some of these conditions. Or at least buy some products that we think might help:

#1 - weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I have never seen so many weight loss ads. The most frequent one showed a 3d model of a fat person (they did a man in one version and a woman in the other) and then the fat melting off them. While the 3D model rotated, a warm female voice said, "you don't have to exercise or diet to lose weight! Just eat! Call now and you can get a free week of food!" Other weight loss ads featured men talking - somewhat creepily - about their sex lives, and women saying laughingly "My husband now calls me his trophy wife!" Um, ew.

#2 - Get Out Of Debt Free. A stern lawyer in an austere ad tells you that he can solve your financial problems. Just call. No specifics here. Just call, will you? The stern lawyers will take care of you.

#3 - Take Some Drugs. Depressed? the happy bouncing circle can help.

#4 - eHarmony ads. Now this is really embarrassing, but I have to admit that these ads can make me tear up on occasion. Real happy couples gazing into each other eyes and declaring lifelong loyalty over bouncy pop soundtrack. Have heard rumors that Neil Clark Warren who runs eHarmony is a big right-winger, but his compassionate paternal presence just soothes me. I'm worthy of love, Neil. Tell me who's my soul mate. I want to be in your commercial.

Happy New Year all. Get off the couch.
-Melina