Wednesday, February 10, 2010

[Hannah]: Emergency Kit....??????

Highly amused by The Knot's emergency kit for brides. Apparently you are supposed to pack for your wedding day like you are going off to war. Or some other kind of very important secret mission. Let me see if I can figure it out.

Some of these things make a lot of sense.
Bottle of water. You may get thirsty.
Corsage pins. You may mess up your flowers.
Dental floss/toothpicks. You may get something stuck in your teeth.
Tweezers. You may have a facial hair gone rogue at the last minute. (Those little f*ckers can grow unbelievably fast.)
Band-Aids. You may receive a wedding-related injury.
Aspirin (or pain reliever of choice). At some point, you will almost certainly get a headache.

Some of these things would require you to go through Advanced Feminine Training to be able to use correctly.
Clear nail polish (for stocking runs). Huh?
Hem tape. Mini sewing kit. Last-minute basting job? MOM!!!! HELP!!!!!
Static-cling spray. This must be something that real grown-ups own.

Some of these things would also be really good to carry around if you happened to commit a murder.
Sedatives. Yup. This is actually on the list.
Small folding scissors. So you can stab someone if you suspect they are about to run off with the leftovers. Or if they are whining about where you seated them or about the temperature outside or if for any other reason they are really, really, really getting on your nerves. Or if they are a secret agent working for the Soviet Union.
Extra panty hose Makes a great gag. Also, IMO, functions as a torture device even when used as per manufacturers directions.
Scotch tape. So they don't spit out the pantyhose. Again, duct tape would just be too conspicuous, and it doesn't match anybody's wedding colors.
Chalk (to cover up any last minute smudges or smears on your wedding dress). Or to draw the outline around the body, to give the police a head start.
Hand towelettes To wash off any evidence real fast. Bridal gloves, the more practical solution for this, are unfortunately out of fashion these days - would be highly suspect.
Smelling salts (you may faint.) Especially if you're not used to stabbing.
Spot remover. I think this one is obvious. Working with those crappy little folding scissors might get a little bit messy.
Tissues. It's just so.... tragic!
Matches. Now I, seriously, and in all honestly, absolutely cannot imagine why you would need to bring a box of matches in your emergency wedding kit. And I am a very smart person. I can think of three options. 1) You just need your goddamn smokes. 2) To relight the caterer's oven, which has gone out, and they don't have any matches, and you are half an hour from the nearest convenience store. If you think these are implausible, and I guess I do too, I am left with 3) To light the signal flare to signal the waiting helicopter that this whole charade is over, you think someone might have heard something in spite of the sedatives, and you hear voices in the distance getting steadily closer, and you are ready for, as discussed, an airlift to an undisclosed location, stat.

Oh, man, what would I do without The Knot??? I'm about to write in to them and let them know that this all looks great but they forgot to put the signal flares on the list. Anything else I'm missing?


At 3:09 PM, Anonymous novelera said...

Hannah, your post was hilarious! It's easy to see the acorn doesn't fall too far from the tree. You seem to have inherited your mother's sense of humor and writing style (highly ironic - love it).


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