Thursday, September 21, 2006

Melina: Things I Do Not Like To Read in Online Personals

I offer this post with the caveat that I feel only compassion for most of the people on the online personals, no matter how weird they seem. Sometimes people just come off terribly online, and sometimes perfectly good people go through terrible periods in their life where they unburden themselves in a regrettable manner to complete strangers. Others are just not very good at examining or describing themselves. Really, I love men and I hope all the people I mock, below, find happy partnerships in the near future.

That being said, here are my least favorite personals ads statements of all time (from both men and women):

#1:"I like to explore all that New York City has to offer."
Okay, so that basically means you're alive and you go out to eat sometimes. That's awesome. Do you think every other person in a restaurant is probably your soulmate?

#2: "I like to go to the beach *and* the mountains."
Ma comments that this is the North Carolina variation of statement #1. People seem to think this is such an original statement.

#3: "I am equally comfortable in hiking boots as in a cocktail dress."
We're so glad. Imagine how uncomfortable you'd be hiking in the mountains in your cocktail dress.

#4: "I think all New York women are shallow and horrible. Prove me wrong."
I have a lot of unresolved hostility toward women, but I'd like to be having sex. Desperately seeking Femina Ex Machina to resolve my personal issues.

#5: "I'm really bored."
I feel that my life is meaningless, yet can't think of any reason to step away from my computer.

#6. "Mellow guy in my mellow world."
Nothing wrong with mellow guys, except that if you are one, you will hate Melina. She is your worst nightmare.

#7: "Dancing! Dancing! Dancing!"
I am a narcissist and a waste of human-meat. Ten of me put together could not screw in a lightbulb.

#8. "Are you a mod or a rocker?"

#9. "Given my druthers, I tend toward dominance in a sexual relationship. If you’re comfortable with it, we can have a wonderful “power exchange.” If you’d rather stay in the waist-high waters, we can do that, too."
Let me think for a second. No.

#10. "Now: I was at the bookstore the other day. I went there to look at an art book on Banksy -- sat behind this girl reading a magazine. Soon her much older husband came by and they discussed things. Now I notice her ring. Looking through this amazing book -- so critical and real exiSTENCILism. The store phone rings, no one is there to answer it. The girl lightly says, "No one's home." I reply, "You're home." to her surprise and delight. They talk more, she leaves says she'll be back in while. During that while she was gone another woman is browsing books and the husband looks at me, it's a guy thing, making sure I see how amazing this other woman is. She truly is. I smile in agreement, pause, then leave. Mad. Rushing quickly throughout the store, I find his wife. Tell her she shouldn't regret this and kiss her with intensity. I promptly the store. It was a disgusting hot day."

Wait... What?!?!?


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At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Ethan said...

#10 wins!

Shorter #10: "My other car is a grapefruit."

At 11:10 PM, Blogger melinama said...

The mellow guy takes a lot of drugs.

At 1:24 PM, Anonymous alma said...

#8 would be perfect, except that, a TRUE mod or TRUE rocker would not label themselves as such... too bad.

At 8:00 PM, Blogger novelera said...

LOVED your snarkey piece on personals "lemons". #4 especially would bear watching. I once had a temp job so massively boring and with no actual work to do that I spent time writing scathing letters and sending them (anonymously of course) to some of these jerks. Of course this was years ago, back when you wrote letters and personals were NOT online. My favorite targets were guys 45-50 years of age who described themselves in glowing terms and added some qualifications for the women: ALWAYS described as slim and .... wait for it ..... 20-30 years of age!


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