The Two-Minute Haggadah (Slate Magazine)
Sent to me by one of the Alborada gang...
A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.
- What's up with the matzoh?
- What's the deal with horseradish?
- What's with the dipping of the herbs?
- What's this whole slouching at the table business?
- When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
- Life was bitter, like horseradish.
- It's called symbolism.
- Free people get to slouch.
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
(Let brisket cool now.)
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