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Thursday, January 07, 2010

[Hannah]: Wedding Vendors - some not very useful rankings

Wedding vendors, ranked from most to least "wedding-y".*

1) Bridal salon saleswomen. Remember that funny accent that Audrey Hepburn and other women in 50s and 60s movies used when they talked, kind of weird and breathy, and you thought women didn't talk like that any more? here in the bridal salon they still do. Kind of like Georgia Sea Islanders, they seem to live outside of time, preserving the mores and customs of days gone by.

2) Wedding coordinators. Your day, your way, princess.

3) Wedding photographers. Remove your zits in Photoshop, make you look thinner and cuter? No problem, you can pay them by the hour. Take hundreds of pictures of your shoes, your groom's socks, your tablecloths, your headless bridesmaids and all the other paraphernalia that modern day brides have learned to fetishize? That's their default. It's called "details." Details are their business.

4) Wedding musicians. Yes, they will play the hora for as long as necessary. No, they will not bother to mirror your rapturous delight at your special day. You should probably respect them more for this. Bring them a sandwich.

5) cake bakers. These run the gamut. Some are rapturous and aesthetically inclined. Others are grizzled and cynical, and would fire you on the spot if you asked them to match the cake to the bridesmaids' dresses.

6) hotel managers. Surprisingly uninterested in helping you out with reserving rooms. (*CoughDURHAMHILTONCough*) Which you would think would be a somewhat interesting issue for them, what with them being in the business of reserving rooms for people and all.

Wedding vendors* ranked from most to least intimidating. IMHO.**

1) Makeup artists. Come at you with pointy things they work around your eyeballs, while coming up with entirely new ways for you to discover you're abnormal. ("You have really small eyes!") And you thought you ran out of this kind of stuff to obsess about in junior high! Think again! The makeup artists are here!

2) Venue coordinators. Sweet and chirpy, but they have the potential to bilk you out of breathtaking sums of money. Or throw out your guests if too many show up, rendering you in violation of the fire code.

3) Photographers. Some of them tell you to include with your invitations a warning to your guests not to take photos of the wedding. If they do, the photographer has the right to peace out of your event at any time. ***

4) Rabbis.**** Friendly and enthusiastic, often more flexible about procedure than you would think, but when it comes down to it, they cannot be restrained if they are in a mood to tell corny jokes or (G-d forbid) talk politics. Will be difficult to persuade to conduct ceremony outside in 95 degree heat even if you ask them VERY NICELY.

5) Letterpress people. They know what they think you SHOULD want, that is, the thing that is correct, and they're thinking it at you as forcefully as they dare. Sometimes little thought bubbles of disapproval emanate from their foreheads. Respond in the manner you think best.

6) Wedding musicians. They know what they think you should want, too, but they also know how the sausage is made. Can you put together a long list of songs you hate and ask them not to play it? Sure. Do you dare to ask them to wear bow ties to match your flower arrangements? Unless they are particularly desperate, probably not.

7) Caterers. Tremendously expensive, but if they are competent and you don't sweat the details, everyone will get fed.

8) Restauranteurs. You give us money, we serve you dinner. End of discussion.

9) Cake bakers. Don't have any clue how you want your cake decorated? It's just as well! They probably know better than you! But you like chocolate, right? Then everything is cool.

*I have not spoken to any florists so I do not know where they fit in this list.
**My opinion only, reflecting my own personal complexes and hangups.
***In my opinion, this is some unbelievably chutzpahdik sh*t.
****A rabbi is not a vendor, I know. But he belongs in this list anyway.


At 8:30 AM, Blogger melinama said...

I put this on your "greatest hits" list in the sidebar. I like that musicians get a good rap - as long as we get sandwiches. We did actually get Ken into a tuxedo once, I have a picture to prove it!

At 3:45 PM, Anonymous Amberdawn said...

This was eye-opening, hehe. I'm planning a wedding, but since I haven't set a date yet the vendors and I are basically in the "honeymoon" period. Though I did have one photographer literally turn his back on me when I told him my wedding would be in August of 2011. I guess he's not interested in my business down the line!


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